Parts of a Whole
by LiveInMyHead
Summary: Tag to 9.13 The Purge. Sam wakes up to an empty bunker and an AWOL Dean.


A/N - Just a little one shot tag to 9.13 The Purge. I have other stories I need to work on, but the last few episodes have been KILLING me and giving me some serious writer's block. So I'm trying to work through all my feels and get some perspective so I can stop throwing things at my TV every Tuesday night and get to work on my other story! I'm sorry, not my best work, but I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks!

Disclaimer - Supernatural and all things wonderful on that show are not mine.

* * *

When Sam woke up, a big part of him just wanted to go back to sleep. He really wasn't ready to face his brother, see those usually carefully veiled green eyes shattered in pain, pain that he had put there. He had meant what he said; the bigger picture, the good of all was more important than the two of them. He really, truly believed that.

But he was also more than aware that Dean did not share the same sentiment and that by voicing his thoughts and admitting that he would have let Dean die, would hurt his brother. Yet it didn't stop him from saying it because he thought it needed to be said, that Dean had to understand that things about Sam had changed. He didn't believe in sacrificing everything just so the two of them could continue on. It didn't mean he loved his brother any less, there couldn't be anything further from the truth, it's just that they never got anything out of their sacrifices except more pain. What was the point? Dean had once said he was tired and Sam hadn't understood it then.

He got it now.

So yes, he had basically ripped his brother's heart out last night, and had done it when Dean was already down, and he hated it, but if that's what it took to make Dean see that they had to eventually let each other go, then it was worth it. He could feel his stomach clenching and revolting in guilt and tension, wished the second he said it that he could take it back, but he wouldn't. They were going to die someday, probably horrible and bloody, why not go out doing some good? Sam had brought so much misery upon the world, maybe he could redeem a tiny bit of that by offering himself to keep some evil at bay. Dean had stolen that from him and while Sam knew that Dean was doing it because he thought that was his responsibility, maybe even out of love, he didn't know if he would ever forgive him for it.

Gathering up some courage, Sam forced himself to get up and moved through his usual morning routine with smooth, well practiced motions that required no thought at all. His brain was occupied running through scenarios of what was waiting for him in the main room, how Dean was going to act.

How Sam would react in turn.

When he entered, a scenario he hadn't thought of greeted him; silence, emptiness, no Dean. Sam didn't think much of it, maybe Dean had gone out, but when three hours passed with no appearance of his brother, he started to worry. Dean had never taken off that long without leaving a note or calling and after the way things had ended between them last night…. Yeah, he was worried and had his phone out and dialed in a matter of seconds.

Dean finally picked up after three horribly long rings.

"Sam," he prompted, no welcome in his tone, but no hostility either.

"Where are you?" Sam asked, trying to match that calm, but he couldn't fully mask the tension in his voice.

"Somewhere else," Dean answered flatly.

That started Sam moving towards Dean's room, anxiety starting to churn in his stomach. Dean had already done the unprecedented and left, but he had come right back. Sam hadn't intended to drive Dean away, that was the last thing he had wanted to do. It wasn't safe out there right now, not that it ever was, but it was really bad now.

"Is this because of what I said last night?" Sam asked roughly, now in Dean's room, already seeing the signs that his brother was gone for good. His duffel was missing, the picture of Mom, his favorite weapons. Sam wasn't sure whether he wanted to cry or scream. He hadn't meant for this to happen, didn't even consider that it might. Dean never left. He must have gotten a taste for it when he left after Gadreel was booted from Sam's body.

"Yeah. It..uh, it woke me up," Dean confirmed with a sigh. "I finally get that I've been hanging onto something that isn't there anymore. I've been expecting you to be someone you aren't. So I, uh, think it's best we just go our separate ways. You know? Before things get worse? I mean, I'm pretty sure you hate me already, but at least you'll still talk to me. I'd like to keep that if I can."

Sam slumped down on Dean's bed, running an agitated hand through his hair. There was so much defeat in Dean's voice, resignation. Loss. Sam had put it there. "Dean, what I said, that doesn't mean I hate you. I didn't mean it that way at all. I just wanted you to understand that there's a big picture you just refuse to see," Sam rushed to explain.

"Oh, I see it Sam. It's just too big, you know?" Dean's voice cracked just a bit and Sam's shoulders drooped just a bit more at the barely there evidence that his brother was crying, a rare event saved for the worst breakdowns of his big brother's life. He should have just kept his damn mouth shut.

"I look at that and all I see is a boatload of evil that needs to be dealt with, too much for me to do in one lifetime," Dean continued. "It starts to break me down because all I see is a thousand ways to fail. But you? Us? That I can do something about. That's about the right size for me to handle. Keeping you alive is what I do. And since you don't want me to do that anymore and I won't be able to help it, then it's best we split up. Besides, this whole Mark of Cain thing?" Dean huffed out something that was a cross between a sigh and a laugh, but all bitter. "I'm sure that's going to be nothing good and since that was a brother thing…well, distance between us...probably not a bad call. I'll keep in touch, you know, if…if you want me to. If you would rather never hear from me again, I get that too. Just take care of yourself, all right? I'm sure you'll do a better job of it than I ever did." There was a finality in those words that froze Sam down to his marrow. It was a goodbye.

"No, Dean, this is not what I wanted," Sam argued, in full on panic mode now.

"Want it or not, you got it, Sam. Because I want it. I can't do this, man. You pretty much told me you don't want to be brothers anymore, that I'm not that important to you, and I just can't. I can't. I'm starting to drink too much again, not sleep, can't think…and I need to be sharp, because there is a lot of shit going on. So maybe if I'm not faced with your hatred everyday, I can get back on track."

"Dammit Dean, I don't hate you! I just can't trust that we're going to see things the right way, that you'll make the right choice," Sam tried again to explain, knowing this was rapidly spiraling out of his control.

"The right choice is always going to be keeping you alive, not my fault you don't agree with me. There is no other choice for me, Sam. So that's why I'm leaving. Then it won't be my choice anymore," Dean explained simply.

Sam swallowed thickly, the thought of not seeing his brother starting to bloom in his head. He still believed he was right, but he didn't see this happening. He really should have known. He had seen Dean get through a lot of shit and come out unscathed, unbroken, but this time, Sam had picked the one thing that could completely destroy his brother. He should have found another way to get his point across, thought it out more, but he was just so angry. Felt so violated. So betrayed. He wanted Dean to know how it affected him, make Dean feel as bad about it as he possibly could so that maybe it would make him see, but he didn't mean to break him.

"Dean, please," Sam started.

"No, Sam. This is the way it needs to be. You call if you need me, or get in touch with Cas if you don't want to talk to me and he'll bring me in. Don't hesitate, there's bad juju in the air. Take care, Sam."

Even though the dial tone was loud and abrasive in his ear, Sam barely noticed it. He was still hearing those final words, hearing Dean actually tell him no, refusing to come back. He was remembering that hitch in the way Dean had said his name. Sam dropped the phone, his head dropping into his hands. He had done it, he had actually done the impossible. He had hurt Dean badly enough to leave.

Maybe even for good.

* * *

Dean tossed the phone into the passenger seat harder than necessary and it bounced off onto the floor. He rolled his eyes at it, but didn't dive for it. If anyone called, it would be Sam again, and he couldn't deal with that right now. It had been bad enough to get through that conversation and he'd been practicing since he'd left. He swiped at the tears tracking down his face with his arm, his shirt sopping them up. With disgust he noticed that they were back again almost immediately. He hated crying, made him feel so weak, but he couldn't seem to stop.

After another sleepless night, he realized a few things. He understood why Sam was so upset, why he felt like he might need to close Dean off. Dean made monumentally stupid decisions in the name of family over and over again, and more often than not, they didn't end up well. But they had always cleaned up the mess. Being together made up for it.

Dean just hadn't realized that that wasn't cutting it for Sam anymore. He knew Sam was tired of hunting, of angels, of demons, he just hadn't realized that Sam was tired of life. Dean wouldn't have changed any of his decisions, but he would have at least tried harder to give Sam something to live for. Besides, didn't Sam snatch the Trials away from him because he wanted to live when Dean was just prepared to die? He just hadn't known soon enough and his method of stopping it was awful and unforgiveable, letting something else possess his brother who had dealt with way too many evil things taking over his body.

So he got it. It's not like he had been proud of what he'd done, he hated himself for doing it every minute of every day. He just couldn't change something that was fundamentally buried in his very DNA; protect Sammy at all costs.

So he ran. What he had told Sam had been true, it was tearing him apart to have Sam acting so cold towards him, disowning him as his brother, but that wasn't the real reason. He'd had no intention of leaving Sam. He was going to stick it out, wait for Sam to calm down and let him back in. Even if it took the rest of his life, because he knew, eventually, Sam would. They were all they had left. Besides, it was too dangerous out there for them right now to leave Sam without backup.

But then he found it. Wandering through the library on that same sleepless night, glass of whiskey in his hand, he had found information about the Mark of Cain buried away in the shelves. Of what it meant. He had known there were consequences, Cain had warned him, but he brushed him aside. He never was one for the details. He really should have been this time.

It wasn't just affecting Dean, it was affecting Sam, too. The story was that the Mark of Cain was to protect Cain from anyone killing him, but there was a staggering loophole when bestowed upon another. Once one of a set of brothers bore the mark, they were set to die by their brother's hand, a countdown begun. Cain was not allowed to go long without the mark and once the brother was dead, it would be returned to him. The story had detailed how the unmarked brother would grow increasingly more hostile and angry, all familial and brotherly bonds starting to fray and strain.

And Sam had already been so angry.

Dean wasn't going to put Sam in a position to kill him if he could help it. If what he had read in that ancient book now resting beside him was true, then he would make sure to never cross Sam's path again, no matter how much it hurt. Sam wasn't going to pay for yet another monumental mistake, this was Dean's mess and Dean's alone. He had made Sam live, had forced him to survive. Dean wasn't going to kill Sam inside by making him end his brother, even if he didn't want to think of Dean like that anymore. Dean knew Sam still did.

So distance it was.

The tome didn't mention what might happen if they didn't fulfill the conditions of the mark, if Dean just kept it forever, but he was sure it wasn't good. So no matter what, Cain was going to take this damn mark back, whether the son of a bitch wanted to or not. If Dean had to die, so be it, but it would not be Sam doing the deed. That was not going to happen.

Dean clutched the wheel tightly, glaring out at the road ahead of him. He had a plan, not a good one, but a plan. He was going to find Crowley, then find Cain. When he did….well that's when the show would start.

First Abbadon. Then this damn mark.

He sighed. It was going to be a hell of a trip.

* * *

The End


End file.
